psychological interpretations of public questions at kindergarten information night

{Thank you Kristen -- you can follow her here}

I went to the Kindergarden Informacion Night at the public school I'm hoping Jafta can attend in the fall. This is not our neighborhood school (and to their credit, they did spell Information correctly). This school is a fancy new magnet school that all of the greater Newport area wants their kids to attend. There were A LOT of people there. And like many public meetings, the Q&A part went on for way too long, and so I got bored and started pscyhoanalyzing the intent of the questions. And perhaps mocking them a bit, too. Psychoanalyzing . . . mocking. It's a fine line.

I quickly learned that a public Q&A can be more than just a chance to have your questions answered. It can be a way to send a subtle message to everyone in the room about just how much YOUR KIDS deserve to go to this school. For example:


When you ask:
Is there going to be some sort of aptitude testing for kids to get in?

What you are really saying is:
How can we make sure to weed out the stupid ones?



When you ask:
In what ways will the school be able to quantify the unique outcomes of this particular learning style in contrast to other schools in the district?

What you are really saying is:
How can I have concrete evidence that my kid's school is better than my friend's kids' school when I am in a group and need to brag?



When you ask:
Will you be offering a state-funded lunch program?

What you are really saying is:
Are you gonna let those kids in?



When you ask:
Will there be a gifted program?

What you are really saying is:
I know they are only five, but my kid is totally smarter than yours.



When you ask:
How will you deal with advanced learners?

What you are really saying is:
No, my kid is smarter than YOURS.



When you ask:
What doors on campus are open to the public? Are the kids allowed to use the bathroom by themselves? Where are the bathrooms? Are there individual stalls? Do adults have to check in before walking on campus? (And then, once answered, you ask the very same questions of another teacher in a different room).

What you are really saying is:
I have watched way too many Lifetime movies.



When you ask:
What happens when the kids graduate to middle school? They don't just go back into a classroom with the "general public", do they?

What you are really saying is:
I am an elitist moron.


When you ask:
Will kids who need an IEP be sent back to their home school?

What you are really saying is:
Seriously, this is just for the insanely bright and gifted children like mine, right?


And finally, when you are afraid to ask:
How are you making sure to live to the original values of a public magnet school, which is to bring a wide variety of kids from various racial and socio-economical backgrounds together? And why are there no Mexican families here when the closest neighborhoods are predominantly Mexican? And why did the parents at the elite preschools get letters about tonight's meeting, but not the parents of kids at the lower SES preschools?

What you are really saying is:
Perhaps this is not the right school for my child.



** Disclosure: Moronic nature of questions may have been exaggerated as a literary device. Just a tad. But for real, these people were taking themselves way too seriously and OMG I cannot send my kid to school with the offspring of these neurotic self-absorbed parents, can I?

***And the paranoid lady asking about the bathrooms and all the ways children will be violated in them? Multiple times? Yes, that really happened.